one year later

November 7, 2018

Dear you, yes you, my dearest friend…

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My heart filled with love and gratitude.
It’s been a crazy year for me, one of overcoming fear, claiming my freedom, of learning how to be strong again, how to be open again, how to trust again, how to be ME again.

Last year in the month of November, I realized that my 12 year relationship (my ten year marriage), had changed me, drained me, had made me a person I wasn’t proud of, I had to be a different person to keep that relationship alive. In the end it was killing me, it was taking my life slowly. I finally understood why I had been sad and depressed for so long. And so, I did the hardest thing I’ve had to do…I had to leave my entire life, my husband, my business (we were co-founders), my home, my friends, literally my entire life..it didn’t come as a clean cut…we tried to make it work in between, and that made the year so hard, and I hated that it would be a year of being in limbo not knowing what to do.

In June, right before what would be our ten year wedding anniversary, he called me (we hadn’t spoken for at least a month), asking me if I was coming home for our anniversary. And I finally had the clarity and the strength to put a final end to it, as painful as I knew it would be. As painful as it was.

Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t make my life a celebration, like woohoo, I’m done…No, that wasn’t it. I went into mourning. I had dark moments, you’ve seen me in a lot of them. There was even a really dark moment where I thought about flying..and I caught myself. I couldn’t see past the tears, I was drowning in them constantly, specifically at night. Which is why I would wait as long as I could before coming home, crawling into bed and falling into the darkness, my tears raining down my face. I hated the nights.

I was mourning my twenties, I was mourning us, I was mourning the life I had imagined for us that we never had. I was mourning the children we never had. I was mourning me, the person I lost in those years. Who was I? Who am I?
And then I got lucky. Was it luck? Well, whatever it was, it led me to you beautiful people. In a drunken haze at Gramps, I met the most beautiful soul, and in that chance meet, it lead me to the rest of you. My life has not been the same. I constantly take stock of all the special moments, of all the support, of all the love. I file them away..because they are special, they are the things that matter in life. They are what life is.

I’ve had many firsts these last few months, but my favorite first has been finally understanding what it is to have a family by choice. I wouldn’t be the person I am right now without you. I wouldn’t be stepping into myself without what you’ve shown me, how you’ve loved me, how you’ve cocooned me, judgement free, with the full freedom of figuring out who I am, who I can be. I’m not there yet, but I am definitely not that same girl that wanted to just press eject on life.

So here I am, realizing it is November, and where I was last year and where I am now. I went to Beirut to visit my parents last year, and by chance that’s what I’m doing now, I’m leaving in a couple hours. Full circle it seems like. It feels fitting and appropriate, like another shedding of my skin.

I wish you could feel what I’m feeling. I wish I could have my love and gratitude wash over you. I’m making all these realizations the last few days, and I am in awe of life. I am in awe of the power and beauty in friendship and love. My life has felt like a life because of you. I will forever be grateful for you, and simply I love you. Thank you for being you, and who you are is perfect, it was the you my soul was drawn to. A year ago, this is definitely not where I thought I would be (in all meanings). This year has been anything but a wash, and it could’ve gone many ways, a lot of them not great, but because of you, I am here, and I am a version of me I can be happy with for now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I LOVE YOU.

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