The stigma around therapy has definitely melted away, and rightfully so. Most of the people I know have either been in therapy, or want to, which is great. Even the most put together person has issues and could benefit from addressing them and self-improvement. But I’ll admit, I’ve tried traditional therapy, and I found it wasn’t for me. My therapist was great, she “got” me, but I just felt like I was “talking” more than “moving forward”. It felt great to vent but I wanted more. I wanted to understand what makes me tick and why. So, when a really good friend suggested trying Metaphor Therapy, at first I was like, “yeah, ok, I’ll get to it.” But then I saw what it did for them. They have also tried so many different kinds of therapy, so I knew they would be an expert at knowing what works or not. So, last week, I drove one hour one way to see a psychoanalyst and give it a go.
I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’ve met this specific Dr. at an event before, and I find his mannerism to be a tad withdrawn and not warm, so I was a bit hesitant if we would gel. To my surprise, in the session, it completely works, and he was able to guide me very well, and I understood something, his mannerism is perfect for this kind of therapy. He is merely an objective observer, not there to sway you this way or that…he is just there to help guide you, you do the work, he doesn’t try to convince you of anything, he barely talks, he gets you to where you need to be.
Granted it was my first session only but I found it extremely interesting and different than anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ll walk you through the session, and parts of my metaphors that came up for me. He asked me what I want to focus on, get out of the session etc…and I wasn’t sure so I explained I’m going through a breakup, that I have a big issue with finding my “way” in life, figuring out what to focus in has constantly been my challenge, and that I have this nagging dread that follows me around when it comes to purpose. I believe I described it as “a sadness that tugs at me and taunts me”. We chose to focus on that last one.
First, he asked me where do I feel it, and I said in my chest, and I put a round fist on my chest. He asked me to describe it. I said it was a mercury-like blob, that is alive and moving shimmering between silver and black, and it seeps into my blood, so it is a part of me. And as I thought of it more, I realized I was actually in the mercury blob, that it surrounded me without knowing it. That it controlled me and I was actually in a coma like state in it. Also, I was floating in deep space, so yeah, there’s that too lol.
I also saw a “moon sun” tunnel (the yellow circle), and I was afraid to go through it, so instead I realized there was a malleable glass like bubble in front of and I merged into it with the mercury getting stuck on the outside. I was still afraid to go through the tunnel and started to panic in my session, I didn’t want to go through it, and the Dr. told me not to so I felt better I was afraid he would somehow try to force me to do so. As I sat in the bubble suddenly I started turning into a monster. My nails started growing, my teeth sharpened, my hair grew and they all turned red. I became afraid I was going to pop the bubble with my nails and then I would die floating in space.
I get the idea to start running like a hamster counterclockwise inside the bubble I was in, and I successfully detach from the moon sun tunnel. Mind you this whole time the mercury blob has been trying to angrily get back around me and it was trying to break the bubble to get to me. So now I’m floating through space trying to get away from it. I’m awake in the bubble since I’m not in the mercury blob, but I’m still this monster thing and I’m so sad. I start floating by pieces of earth and moss floating in their own bubbles. I start to feel at peace and I slowly transform back into myself, and I feel good and at peace for a moment. Then I realize the blob is zipping and zooming from one bubble to another trying to find me. I try to go hide in an asteroid field but it’s too late. The blob has found me again and it slowly starts engulfing the bubble I’m in and squeezing it down. Once again, I am encapsulated in the mercury liquid, and I am in a coma again. At this point in the session I felt so dejected and defeated because it was like everything I went through was for nothing, I was exactly where I started again. All that effort for nothing. Similar to how I feel like about my life I guess.
My mom was there too, along with. my first best friends eyes. They were just floating in space. I knew I had to get through the eyes and somehow they would suck the mercury off me and I would be free. But I was in a coma again and couldn’t make it to them. So, my mom comes over to help. She puts her hands on my head and starts pulling at the mercury trying to give the bubble layer between me and the mercury some space. She’s working really hard, and as she works on it, I see it taking all the energy she has, so she is aging before my eyes, and the bubble slowly grows around my head. She gives up her entire life force to help me, and she is the purest form of carbon at this point, she like a black coal statue, and the part of her hand and arms that is holding the bubble open snaps and she floats off into space hand-less. Her hands with a portion of arm in coal format are still holding the bubble up around my head. I am away now. I try to go through the eyes, but I can’t. The pieces of her arm won’t let me fit anymore.
At this point, I see my dad show up. And I’m instantly gutted. He sees my mom drifting off into space, and he is torn because he wants to go to her but he wants to come help me. And he can’t believe what happened to her, and I feel his sadness so vividly, and he sobs like a baby. And I am actually sobbing in the session at this point. There is a bright tear in space behind my dad. And I see a hoard of people start pouring through. I see some faces I recognize, and they start locking arm to shoulder behind my dad, with him at the front. And I know I’m going to be ok, they are all coming for me.
The mercury blob starts freaking out. At one point in the session, when I was in the bubble next to the moon sun I thought that maybe I needed it to protect me, but at this point I’m pretty sure it’s a parasite. So, it starts freaking out and it gets angry. It can’t lose me or let go of me. So it starts putting out a heavy crushing magnetic wave pulse and it aims it at my dad and friends. They start getting crushed and hurt by it. So I feel devastated and I tell it to stop. I tell it that I would be willing to go away with it in peace if it doesn’t hurt them and leaves them alone. I would sacrifice myself for them. And now the worst part about it was that I was awake in the bubble around my head, and I wouldn’t be able to move or control anything for eternity.
There were a few other things in there, but that is the gist of most of it. That’s where the session ended. When I opened my eyes, I had had them closed for the session, my first reaction was “wow, where did that come from”, and “I wish I had recorded it”, to which the Dr responded “me too.”. Then he asked if I was a “creative” person to which I replied by laughing, but he was serious. He suspects I have a thick corpus callosum (the connection between left and right brain). He said I process quickly and that I did in one session what it take others a few sessions. So, in short, it was a successful session in that I am perfect for this type of therapy.
After the session, even though that was intense, I felt good, but also drained. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or communicate at all. I drove straight home and laid out on my bed trying to process everything. I still don’t know what anything means, and it’s too early, but with time things should become clearer. I will be going to my next session in a few days and will let you know how that one goes.
I did draw my session as well as you can see in the images above so I wouldn’t forget the imagery I saw.
I’m interested in seeing where it goes from here, but also, which kinds of therapy have you tried? What have you found helpful and what hasn’t been?