mothers day depression

dear wannabe mama

May 12, 2019

Dear wannabe mothers, could’ve been mothers, almost were mothers, mothers that chose to not be mothers, mothers that lost their babies, mothers that had them, watched them grow, only to loose them too soon, and when I mean too soon, it’s always too soon.

I see you mamas. I see you because I am you. I feel you because I’ve been you. You are brave and strong and yet it’s still ok to not be. It’s ok to fall apart, to be sad, to cry, to curse the universe, to still not understand it. It’s ok to hold back the tears as you wonder what could’ve been, and it’s ok to not hold them back either. It’s ok to have your heart break a little when this day rolls around, when you wonder if you’ll ever hear the words: Happy Mother’s Day mommy. 

I will say this. Anyone can be a mama if they want to. Whether your body allows it or not, whether you have a partner or not, whether you’re ready or not (who’s ever really ready anyways?). If you want to be a mother then be one. There are many ways to be a mother, and a real mother doesn’t automatically happen by birthing a child. You know what I mean.

No one talks about this today, especially on a day that’s usually a happy day. Celebrating womanhood, the divine feminine, the capability of holding and nurturing life in our bodies. It’s beautiful. And no one talks about losing a baby, being biologically incapable of having one, because it’s the dark side, the part that breaks some of us on the way to motherhood. It’s the struggle a lot more women go through than you know, than they care to admit. I was taught to not talk about these things and I haven’t for a long time. To hide them for various cultural reasons, out of shame, out of hurt, out of fear that it might sound like insignificant whining. 

Well, here I am talking about it now. Because I want you to know dearest mama, dearest wannabe mama, dearest mama that could’ve been, dearest mama that might be, you are not alone in feeling what you feel, you are not wrong in feeling what you feel, and you don’t have to hide it and bear it in the shadows.

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