three four

August 31, 2018

Well, here I am. 34 years old. On the other side.

The other side of what? The other side of a 12 year relationship. Yep, THAT. I was living in Detroit, and around 4 months ago, I packed one bag, and I think maybe a carryon, and left for Miami. Why Miami? I came because my sister lives here, and stayed for the people I’ve met (and hello it’s Miami). I’m so glad she doesn’t live in the middle of no-where, no offense to the “middle of no-where” people. But to pretend I am anything but a city girl is a lie. So here I am, single, consciously not working, on the precipice of a new phase of life, choosing to bet on myself and this blog, an unknown phase, and I am both scared and excited.

Real talk SQUADettes: I thought I was tired all last week. I attributed it to staying up late, going too hard on all cylinders. I was sleeping insane amounts, and still tired. It hit me out of no-where. I even cancelled my therapy session last week because I was “tired”. At the same time, my friend T, kept texting me almost daily like:”What are we doing for your birthday? Just give me the green light and I’ll plan it.” And I kept resisting. Granted I never celebrate my birthday anyways, but I knew I was resisting it for some reason. So, on Friday (one day before my birthday), while talking to a friend I realized, I think I’m down. Like, no wait a minute, I AM feeling soooo down. What I had mistaken for tiredness was actually a mild depression or avoidance that entire week. I was completely off my game and just attributed it to being “tired”. So, I meditated on it, why was I feeling this way…light bulb, ‘oh, it’s my birthday tomorrow’. OK, so what about my birthday was making me feel this way? I thought about it some more…and a thread came to light…

I feel like I am a failure. I believe I have been a failure. And I have categorically failed at finding my way & some semblance of happiness in life. I know you can say ‘but you had a successful marketing agency, you had a killer startup. You have a degree from an amazing school’ etc…but how is any of that serving me now? Yes, I have knowledge, yes, knowledge is power, but it’s a case of feeling like my potential and the effort/time I’ve invested so far have not been realized, like not even close.

I’m scared because I feel like I’ve failed, for years, at different things…medical school (thats another story), my relationship (an even longer story) etc…but most importantly I believe I have failed myself. I take ownership of it. I am able to recognize it now. I failed myself by not knowing myself, not speaking up for my needs, not demanding things of myself even. If I had addressed this years ago, I think I would’ve saved myself a ton of heartache.

So, what to do? Sit and cry in a corner? Well, maybe, yes, temporarily, feel the pain to grow from it, and that’s what I did, I’ve cried and cried and cried, then cried some more. But now, it’s time for me to shake myself off, stop feeling bad for myself. Part of it is this blog. I see a long term vision for this site, for the community I want to build and it’s both exciting and terrifying. I know what it’s going to take to get where I want to be, ALOT of hard work, but that’s never scared me. Is there a voice in the back of my head whispering doubts? Yes, I would be lying if I said otherwise. I’m learning to quiet it.

I think my past “failure” has been rooted in me not knowing myself, not knowing my needs, and not allowing my voice to come through. And if I’m going deeper, it’s also because I haven’t loved myself. Through this process, I will try to be as transparent and open as I can be so that maybe it helps you with a similar struggle. Currently, I am working on identifying my needs as a person from myself, and and my needs from other people. These are really foreign concepts to me, since I am such a giver. But, I have to learn who I am, what I want to be and I am already better at being vocal when I feel stepped on. Previously, I’d been trying to build a future on a shaky foundation. What I do know, is for once, I feel like I’m doing the thing I need and more importantly WANT to be doing. I want this blog to be an extension of my heart & mind and I want to be as vocal & open on it as I can be, so that we can build something together that helps others realize “you are not alone in your struggle”.

Thank you for reading, and being open to hearing about my fears and insecurities. What are your insecurities? Either comment below or drop me a line privately, I would love to talk to you. Welcome home SQUADette!

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